Archive for the 'My Writings' Category

“How to Lead a Miserable Life” by the Artful Dodger

There are countless books written on how to lead a happy, joyful, loving life. But where do you go if you choose to be miserable? Look no further dear reader, for this article will provide you with the steps needs to be completely unhappy for the rest of your days. Now there may be some doubters in the audience who think that we are destined to be happy or unhappy, whether due to nature, nurture, or both. However, these doubters ignore one key power of the human mind: attitude.

First, and most importantly of all: work at a boring, dead-end, unfulfilling job for many years because you lack the nerve to attempt to find a better job that suits you and your talents. After a solid ten years at this type of job, you will almost certainly be there for life, and the desire to move to a challenging position which you enjoy will slowly disappear, to be replaced by a comfortable numbness.

Focus only on yourself. Be completely self-absorbed and self-centered. Adopt a “woe is me” attitude, and count all of the bad things that have happened to you over the years (making sure to conveniently forget all of the good things that have happened to you) and convince yourself that there is a divine plan on the part of God and humanity to ruin your life. Do not waste your time helping others with their comparatively miniscule problems; they should be helping you with your much more important problems. Do not do any community volunteering as generosity would only give you a sense of self-worth and satisfaction. Whining and complaining incessantly will also get you far on the road to unhappiness.

Take everything far too seriously. Let your sense of humor lie dormant, and above all never learn to enjoy a good laugh at yourself. Focus only on your shortcomings and ignore your successes and talents. Insert a soundtrack into your mind that plays over and over a long list of your weaknesses, personal failures, and fears. After a while, this soundtrack will block out any realistic interpretation of yourself or the world around you.

Never take any risks. Narrow your mindset so that you see only failure in any new things that you might try. Why bother going to that interview: you will never get the job. Why date anyone? It will never work out. Loving and happy relationships with family, friends, and significant others require a risk as well as hard work. Learn to view change as a threat. Close your mind to other viewpoints and possibilities.

Focus only on the bad things that happen, and ignore the good things. This is the most important part of leading a miserable life. Keep careful track of all the disappointments, bad luck, and add it all up until you are too afraid to trust anyone or have hope for anything. Above all, do not count your blessings. Forget all of the little joys of everyday life, and ignore all of the good and generous things that other people have done for you purely out of the goodness of their hearts. Never be grateful for your good health, your family’s good health, and the people in your life.

Remember that attitude is key in life. With the proper bad attitude, you too can lead a life full of misery and regret.


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